Updated: Jan 15, 2021
“There was fear that paralyzed me from becoming who I was. A grip that paralyzed me from allowing my authentic self to show through, and to use this as my basis for my relationships, rather than relationships based on the fearful and unhealed parts of myself. This has been me, growing my wings and pushing my way through.” Cristina Ruscica, Breathe Wide Open
Have you ever found yourself feeling as though you are in between – either something, someone, or some place? I will describe this as being a place that we find ourselves in, as one thing is ending and another beginning. However, the new beginning thing has not yet begun, so unbeknownst to us, leaving one to feel a sense of lingering. We leave some ”thing” behind, knowing we have to let go. Letting go is used in the sense of either the actual person, or letting go of ideas or beliefs that we realize are changing within us. Sometimes, we come to this point, where the things we used to feel were right, are no longer so. Yet, we find ourselves feeling lost as we don’t yet have another “thing” to replace our grip.
As new awareness expands within us, it changes the ways we show up in our friendships, romantic relationships, jobs, and even the ways we hold our ideas and beliefs. You see, our awareness is constantly changing. This happens simply because of this thing call life. We trek on our journeys, collecting experiences and new knowledge along our way. As we do so, we begin to understand things differently than we had before. Think of it this way, as children, we view the world as this huge wondrous place. We are full of curiosity and question all things around us. It is this questioning that helps us understand and interpret our environment. As a child, this fits with our level of understanding, cognition and so forth. But, as we become older, we no longer hold those same questions or curiosities, as we have come to understand things in a new light. Keep in mind, however, that the questions we asked as a child, served its purpose. Our behaviour then, matched with our level of understanding. We would not ask those same questions now as we now have the information about our environment and no longer need to seek it in asking another.
"We grow through life as we experience
it and take from it the things we need to expand us."
I relate the concept of being ‘in between’ to our relationships. Simply put, it is the time between moving away from something we used to fit into, and towards something else that has not quite taken form. It feels in between because it generates confusion, or displacement from the role we held within that relationship. I think about friendships I had that have now drifted away. At the time those friendships formed, both myself and the other was at a certain stage in life. At the time we came together, we matched. Whether it were similar ideas, a commonality, or experiencing something similar in life that brought us together. As life has its way with us always, growth happens and our thoughts and behaviours change alongside that growth. Either we change together similarly with the other person or we don’t. Neither is right and neither is wrong. We grow through life as we experience it and take from it the things we need to expand us. If one person grows in a different direction, or at a different rate, ideas are no longer similar. Friendships then grow apart. Simple as that. It took me sometime to realize this. For a long while, I held guilt and responsibility for some of my drifted friendships. I automatically defaulted to thinking that I was at fault whether it was something I said or did. When in fact it was neither. As two people are no longer a match to each other, it is natural that the ties that once held them together are no longer in alignment. The same holds true for romantic relationships. Often times, partnerships end and we hear people say that they just grew apart.
With this being said, I don’t believe that all friendships and relationships have to come to an end because the two people involved are growing in different directions. I do believe, however, that it is a lack of this understanding in each other’s growth that causes two people to become frustrated and resentful towards the other. They sense that something in the relationship has changed and due to defences and triggers, they may automatically take it personally and then attempt to negate force into changing the other’s views. This may very well be where power struggles, passive aggression, or withdrawal from the relationship happens. The person’s defences are charged, leading to conflict or withdrawal.
"If we follow our intuition, stay connected
with our purpose and remain focused on our expansion
into a new version of ourselves, there may very well be
a purging of things in our lives."
In these circumstances, there are two choices a person can make. Either, they revert back to their old ways of thinking in order to align with the other person in the relationship that may still be at the same level as when they first met. Or, they continue on as they are in their growth and allow for the other person to either chose to catch up with them, or they fade away. Going with the latter requires the power of will, as well as an understanding that for any relationship to flourish, requires constant growth. Levelling down in order to satisfy someone else never works. The risk with remaining true to our own growth, is that the other person will leave. The same holds true for our jobs and other life circumstances. Many times we outgrow our work, as we feel the pull for something different, or even greater than what we had been doing. If we follow our intuition, stay connected with our purpose and remain focused on our expansion into a new version of ourselves, there may very well be a purging of things in our lives. It becomes a choice we then make, to continue on in our growth, or stop in our tracks and return back to our comfort zone, or in other words, our familiar territory. If this is the choice we make, we must then realize that our own resentment will build, or feelings of being stuck and limited may progress. The risk of remaining where we are, then becomes greater and more adversely impacting than what it takes to break free and expand ourselves.
If there is a shift you feel in your relationship with someone else, keep this in mind. Educate yourself on your energy and the ways this aligns with another. If you hold a belief that says your purpose in this life is to expand and grow into your potential, it is then your responsibility to stay in your own lane and ensure you are capturing life in a way that allows that to happen. Further to this, if you have gained life experience in a way that you are more self-aware, it is then your due diligence to share this insight with others. We do this by shining our light and holding true to the expanded version of ourselves that we have become. By us doing this, we are then being a service to all others around us.
I think about my earlier running days. As I first began learning how to run longer distances, my friend Meredith and I ran together. Meredith was an avid runner, with strength, endurance and speed. For the first few times that we ran together, Meredith was usually at least half a block ahead of me. I questioned her one time, asking what the purpose was for us to run together if she always ran ahead of me. Meredith’s response was simple. She asked me how I expected to become a faster, stronger and more enduring runner, if she remained at the same pace as I. So, even though Meredith may have run ahead of me, even though she may have been out of sight at times, she was still leading me the way and helping me in my growth as a runner.
Remember this, and remember to always shine your light. There is always someone a few steps behind who is depending on you to show them the way – to their strength, growth and endurance in this life. Prepare yourself and gain an understanding that in doing this, may result in leaving others, or things behind that were once held so dear to us. Or, perhaps you may be the one who feels like you are lagging behind someone else, feeling as though you are the one being left behind. Although it can create feelings of loneliness and even confusion, remember that you are always exactly where you need to be. Life has a way to support you through any transition or “in between” you may be experiencing. As long as you stay true to your growth and loving intentions, hold the trust that your intuition will lead you to the people, places and things that will support this growth. Always.