I’ve always told my kids that I would never want them to ever feel responsible for me, my happiness or any emotions really. If there is one thing that I have come to learn, is that we are each responsible and ultimately the only ones in control of how we feel, the ways we respond to things, and the thoughts we choose to have.
Growing up, this was something that I did not know. Throughout my childhood, I always felt responsible for my parents actions and state of being. I was taught to be by my mother’s side, to help her and to provide emotional comfort. I was taught it was my job to take care of my mother. This meant that I was not allowed to do things for me, including being with friends, any sort of hobby or activity or even time away to do my homework for school. Time away from my mother was met with imposed guilt and sometimes even anger from my father from my father.
I learned the difference between being
responsible for someone and responsible
With no doubt this brought with it heavy emotions that I carried with me through my adult years. This included my need to always try and ‘fix’ things for my mother. It wasn’t until I did a deep dive into my own healing that I began to understand that it was not up to me to make sure my mother was doing okay. I learned the difference between being responsible for someone and responsible to someone.
With the Christmas season among us, it can sometimes bring with it the messiness within our families to surface. Emotions can be set high, families coming together and with it a mixture of energies that sometimes clash and create tension and uneasiness. Christmas can be a time when the expectation is that families get together, even the ones who are not fully healed. This can present itself with challenges, especially for those who are beginning to break free from the family dysfunction that they may have grown up with.
For some families, Christmas is a trigger as it sets off those earlier traumas, just by means of getting together. This is what I used to experience, before I learned better. Today, I am no longer affected by the guilt and other triggers to trauma that used to be imposed upon me. There are those in my family that still try, but I have now made the choice to have it bounce off. I keep my space and energy very well protected and with it, entailed making changes to the way I live my life. Guilt free, of course. I’ll explain this more here.
Breaking the cycle involves seizing to engage in any pattern that had created the dysfunction, or trauma to begin with.
Healing yourself is about breaking the cycle. This means not allowing the same pattern of behaviour to continue through your life, and onto others, such as your children. Breaking the cycle involves seizing to engage in any pattern that had created the dysfunction, or trauma to begin with. This could sometimes mean setting boundaries to the point of no contact.
As an adult, if you continue to feel victim to the family’s circumstances and continue to feel as though your boundaries are being overstepped, this is entirely on you and up to you to change. This is beyond waiting for someone else to behave any different, to see things different or to treat you different. The pattern is there and it is then up to you if you continue to participate or not. Even by way of engaging in conflict, trying to force your point and perspective onto another who is not ready to see it, is you still participating in this pattern. Sometimes, nothing needs to be said at all. You simply become clear on your intention and boundary and then do your thing to stick to it.
By physically removing yourself from the situation/pattern, does not mean you no longer love your family. If you are emotionally unsafe being around those who you once experienced the trauma from, then sometimes, physically removing yourself from them is the only way to heal yourself. You can do this, while you still set loving intentions for them. Even if on the surface level they do not understand and perceive your decision as being unloving, this does not matter as long as energetically, you are clear on your intent and decision to love yourself enough to keep this distance.
Keep in mind also, that as you heal more and more, you are releasing the heaviness and old energy that kept you anchored to things from your past. As you do this, vibrationally you begin to rise higher. There may be those who are still back in the same space and place where the trauma occurred, and if this is the case, they simply will not be able to reach you. This is not personal against anyone. This is naturally what occurs as you let go of the anchor that kept you feeling heavy and stuck.
This is me, breaking the chains that
kept my family of origin living in
dysfunction for so long.
As I mentioned earlier, this is why I would never ever place responsibility onto my own children for the way that I feel. They know this. They know that they are free to live their lives, have their own experiences and make choices that are best for them. I guess you can call this me breaking the cycle. This is me, breaking the chains that kept my family of origin living in dysfunction for so long, and perhaps even back further generations than what I know of.
As you navigate yourself through the rest of these holidays, remember that the only person you are to ever be responsible for, is yourself. By living according to this, is the absolute best way for you to show up and be there for others, in the most healthy and loving way. Not to mention the cycle you are now breaking, for generations past and future.
From here, I wish you a peaceful holiday season, filled with love – for yourself and others. Harmony, balance and emotional freedom are all possible for you. It all starts with you.