As we move along our paths in this thing called life, we may feel the need to prepare our own road-maps to use as our navigation through this world. We create this map, because in doing this, we can place in it anything we want. We believe that by doing so, things will automatically go as we had planned, in the exact directions that we program ourselves to be going. We spend our time designing our journey, as we are sometimes conditioned to believe that it is always within our own control to decide our next steps. We find our comfort in this control, because it provides us with a sense of familiar predictability about our life’s trajectory. Keeping in mind, however, that our journey is very different than our destination.
We have our goals, wants and desires. We all seek to find happiness, peace and love, success and a vision to all the things we intend to fulfill in our lives. All of these things are the destination. What I had not realized is that our journey in reaching these things, are not always according to our plan, or the road-map that we envisioned. In fact, not only is the journey not always according to our plan, but that within our grip of trying to control it, or resist the turns that are given to us, is the very same thing that leads us to feel the most out of control and lost.
There seems to be those times that the road-map we had so carefully created, has now become filled with unexpected turns and detours. However, a lesson to be learned that it is within those times of detour, that we are actually being lead. Although not wanted, not expected and even painful to endeavor at times, we eventually surrender to the resistance. It is within this allowing of ourselves to take the turns presented before us, that we know they are actually guiding us to something perhaps more valuable, then the direction we anticipated taking on our own.
This awareness presented itself to me, through the clarity of messy roads, used in the literal sense. I cite a journal entry from January 6, 2020, in which this became clear to me through the eyes of detours presenting themselves on my drive home through a snowstorm.
“I feel the presence all around me as it lead me through all of my messy situations. As I was leading myself, I felt the fear and witnessed this. I know that it is within the grip of my control, that this fear had always been fueled. I placed my faith on things I thought I knew, rather than allowing my grip to loosen in a way that gave me faith in believing outside of the logic I had held onto. I am presented with no choice but to loosen my grip, as I now know that if not willingly done so, life will leave me no choice. I sit in the discomfort as I witness the unfolding of this before me.
Driving through the dark, messy, slippery road, I am given a choice. I can resist and hold on tighter. Although, in doing so, causes my grip on the wheel to become shaky, unstable and losing control even further. For a moment in time, I do just that. I clench my fists. I shake and feel my heartbeat rise. The road is dark, untouched snow, unable to see the path ahead. I desperately search for another way out. I instantly feel reaction brew within me, as my instincts tell me to retreat and resist. This is not what I wanted, or expected and wanted to feel the comfort of having an easier way out.